This is going to be a 2 part series about life in the ministry aka life in the fish bowl, our highs and our lows. Things that have helped and things that have hurt, and most of all...as with the majority of my posts - I hope to encourage you whether you are in ministry, know someone in ministry, or just want to know more about life in ministry.
Before I begin - let me be very clear, if you are or have been in a congregation or ministry where we have served, these experiences are NOT directed at any one person, meant to point fingers, or even a "woest me" telling...they are simply a part of our journey as a family, a part of the journey that God has and is bringing us on so that we can draw closer to Him, advance His Kingdom and encourage others to do the same along the way. Some of them, I can tell you we are over and past, some we are still experiencing and learning and growing from, and some of them simply are celebrating moments where we have seen God bless BIG!
I personally always like to end a series on a positive...that being said, I am going to start with 5 of the hardest moments in our 21 years of ministry...I will share the pain, the growth, and the healing. This will be the Part 1....Part 2 will be the highs, the blessings, the fun part!!!
1.) On the move: When I share with people where we have lived, how many times we have moved, the various churches/ministries we have served the reactions vary. Some see it as a life of adventure and fun, others see it as an injustice to our children in not allowing them to settle and have roots, most aren't sure how to react.
Here's the truth - life moving frequently is all of the above in many ways and yet none of the above. Without going into a lot of detail about why we have moved at various times - let me just say that the reasons have varied from budgets, to being asked to leave, to knowing God was calling in a new direction, to even disobedience to God's will. Regardless the reason - moving at any time is hard on a family - moving a lot is even harder on a family. All of us have struggled with different moves for different reasons - all of us have struggled with making friends, putting down roots and feeling settled. We have only actually purchased a home once...the rest of the time have been rentals....that makes feeling settled HARD! For me, as a woman, wife and mom more difficult than the actual moving itself is the assumption that is made by church members, family members, friends, etc that we are simply "running" when the times get tough. The assumption that is made that we don't really WANT to stay put or settled...these could not be further from the truth! I have prayed and cried out to God on numerous occasions to please allow us to stay in one place and put down roots, to develop deep and lasting friendships...however, my prayer is also "Lord not my will but yours"
2.) Children on display 100% of the time/as are my parenting skills: For me, this has been the hardest to deal with and the most painful! It has taken me the better part of the past 18 years to learn that we cannot be a perfect parents 100% of the time and my children are not going to be or act perfect 100% of the time. We have 4 kids with four different personalities - they have had their ups and they have had their downs. They have made a LOT of good decisions and they have made some poor decisions. They have behaved correctly and well, they have behaved incorrectly! We have made right choices, we have made wrong choices, we have handled discipline right and wrong, we have acted correctly and incorrectly. Guess what - all of the above applies to EVERY parent!
What has been the hardest is the lack of grace from those within the church, those who have or are raising kids and make mistakes and yet - are relentless in not allowing us or our children to make mistakes and grow from them without casting judgement or condemnation. This is real folks - you may be reading this and thinking that I am simply overreacting about this and that it really can't be that bad. I can tell you it is and then some! We were even given an ultimatum at a church - "straighten out our kids" in 30 days or else! Our kids have also felt this pressure - and because of MY handling it incorrectly the majority of the time - they felt additional pressure from me to behave and perform in an unrealistic way.
3.) 2 for the price of 1 mentality: With very few exceptions, Joel has always been the paid one on staff, the one that was ultimately hired - yet for whatever reason, there has been at times a mentality that I am expected to work and minister with Joel in the same areas in which he was hired. Many times it has been assumed that I will teach a children's Sunday School class, work in the nursery, teach children's church, lead women's ministry, deliver meals, sing in the choir, etc. Here's the truth - God HAS called me to serve alongside my husband in SOME areas but not necessarily in ALL areas! In addition, my primary place of service is to my family - therefore I need to be mindful that I am serving them first; a lesson that I have not always practiced very well. When a ministry or church calls a staff member - it needs to be noted that unless they are compensating a spouse - there shouldn't be an expectation on the spouse.
4.) Everyone is your "boss" and therefore feels the need to "evaluate": Imagine this if you will, you get a new job, you were hired by a group of 5 to 8 people, it was made clear what the evaluation process would be and who your direct supervisor would be. Then, within the first 3 months you begin having multiple people come to you, or to others who then come to you and let you know how you should do your job, or the way it has always been done, or what they saw at another business, etc. By the time you reach your first year...you have heard from over 30 people their input into your job and how well you are or aren't doing it...Not only that, they are also letting your spouse know their thoughts on your performance.
This is reality in many churches for many ministers and yes, has even happened to us. Here's the truth - we aren't perfect, we will make mistakes, we are constantly learning and growing...be gracious, patient and always feel free to ask if you are unsure. When you have multiple influences trying to dictate how you do your job, some of which have no direct knowledge into your specific area of ministry...it is overwhelming, tiring, draining, and more.
5.) Anonymous letters: Perhaps of all the things that have been hard - these are the most painful and hard to deal with in a loving and compassionate way. They are NEVER uplifting and encouraging, they are ALWAYS judgmental, harsh, and untrue. They are cutting and outrageous. Many people have said just don't open them, don't read them, etc. Of course this is an option, but here's the reality - regardless if you read them or not - you KNOW you got them and that alone hurts and cuts to the core. If you do read them, which we have at times, they are painful, they will infuriate you and break you. It is my belief and conviction that these need to be addressed head on from the leadership of the ministry - it is simply too big of a stronghold of the enemy to be ignored and if left unaddressed -they will limit the work of ministry!
Okay - now that I have shared with you some of the hardest/most painful parts of this life in the fish bowl, I want to be sure and share with you the GOOD that God has brought through these painful times, the growth that has come, the healing that has happened because as was the case with Joseph, what others have intended for harm, God has used for good!
A.) We literally have friends from ALL over the world as a result of the ministry doors that God has opened to us, the moves we made, the people we have encountered. Our kids have had a vast number of experiences due to the various parts of the country we have lived. They have also learned to adapt and make friends quickly. We are closer as a family as a result of having moved!
B.) I have personally learned to not expect too much of myself or my kids. To extend grace to them and myself in my parenting. I have learned to be open and honest and let people know that we don't have it all together - this in turn, has opened up even more opportunities for ministry!
C.) The art of knowing when to say 'No" - this has been a hard lesson but one worth learning! I have learned to trust the Lord to show ME where He is calling me to serve in each of the different ministries that we have served in and to be obedient to HIM and not man's expectations.
D.) The ability to love all people from various walks of life. Our family has crossed paths with some pretty difficult people; God has/is teaching us all to learn to love others in spite of their imperfections. We have learned to look at criticism objectively - search for those things that may be truth, learn from them, and release the rest to the Lord. He has healed us from some pretty deep wounds that we left unattended and were beginning to fester into bitterness and has opened doors to help others in the same situations.
E.) Boldness to confront and speak truth when necessary. It has taken awhile but both Joel and I have learned that Biblical confrontation done in love is healthy and necessary in church life. When sin is evident - it needs to be called out head on in love and in accordance to Scripture.
My hope is that you have read this blog as it is intended - as a real, honest, open look into our lives and the journey of our family. Not for the purpose of making you feel bad for us or to wallow in how hard life in ministry is but for the purpose of sharing with you how God has and continues to work in and through our lives. In addition - if you are in ministry, may you be encouraged that God works all things together for good; if you know or are close to someone in ministry maybe this will give you some insight into their lives and hopefully encourage you to love on them and encourage them.
Part 2 will be about the highs that we have had in ministry!!! Look for it later this week!!!
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